The Birkhoff Brief

Issue 1

April 2000

The Operative's Online Source for Section News


Department of the Month
Housekeeping

Code Name: Alice Meet the head of House-Keeping, Code Name: Alice

Housekeeping is one of SECTIONS most important Departments, although it is often taken for granted. How many times has an Operative uttered those two magic words: 'Send Housekeeping'?

"Cleaning up after a mission is never easy work", says Alice, the head of Housekeeping. "But it is gratifying to know that we fulfill an important function here at SECTION."

Alice has been at SECTION ONE as long as Walter. She has the honor of having worked one of the longest undercover missions that Section has ever had. For many years she played a maid and babysitter to a middle-income family in America. Section had Intel that the mother of the family (Mrs. Brady) was a Glass Curtain Agent. Over the many years, Alice relayed critical information back to SECTION about Glass Curtain activities.

"I enjoyed it while it lasted", Alice says, regarding her time with the Brady's'. "Although the kids did tend to get on my nerves."

The only negative experience during her mission, Alice recalls, "Was when we found out that Mrs. Brady had brainwashed little Cousin Oliver. Of course he had to be canceled." Oddly enough, the family didn't seem to miss him. 

These days Alice trains new recruits and puts together Housekeeping Teams for different missions. "We have to be ready for so many different types of contingencies. From body clean-up to finding lost cell phones", Alice says, rolling her eyes. 

Housekeeping also offers weekly house/apartment cleaning services for SECTION operatives. "We charge comparable rates", Alice says proudly. "And at least you know we're not out to rip you off."

  Alice was kind enough to share some of her cleaning secrets with us.

 

Cleaning Solutions "These acids will eat through anything!" Alice reports happily.
House-Keeping Has A Solution For Every Cleaning Problem

 

"I can't tell you what this is, because it doesn't exist" Alice reports gleefully. "But it erases all traces of blood, even that green light that the police use can't pick up a trace once we've used this stuff."


"Prozac is a key ingredient to a successful mission clean up operation. Many times, the operative is very distraught or nervous, and this helps keep them calm. It also helped keep the Bradys happy all of those years." Alice says, denying that she has ever taken it herself. 

 

"I used a lot of this when I had to erase all traces of Nikita from her apartment when she was thought to be dead." Alice remembers fondly. "It dissolves hair follicles and erases fingerprints quite effectively."

"I think the key to any successful Housekeeping program is the love of the job." Alice says thoughtfully. "In this business you've really got to like what you're doing to be effective."

Housekeeping continues to be an example for all SECTION Departments. Good work Alice!

Anyone interested in transferring to Housekeeping should contact Madeline for further information.

For more information on Alice's mission, go to
Alice's Secret Mission

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